I don't like to talk about my personal life. It's just weird and uncomfortable but figured that eventually, whether I talk about the details of my life or not, people were going to know that I was divorced. I mean, it's on my paperwork. Damn! Divorced. Such a strong word. It just seemed so negative and ugly the first time I had to say it aloud to describe my status, that I quickly knew that I had to do something to change that around. There had to be something positive about the situation, so here I am. What did I get out of all this?
- It's not about finding someone that completes you, but someone that compliments you. Big difference. Blows my mind when someone tells me that they are looking for that special someone to complete them. After my divorce, I was left alone with me, myself, and I. To be in a relationship, you need to be complete and ready to share yourself with someone. Meet someone to compliment you and make you a better person, not to complete you. Your happiness should depend on you before you can attempt to make someone else happy.
- No relationship is as perfect as Facebook and Instagram portray it. When I had to tell family and friends about our divorce, people were seriously shocked for days. They didn't believe me for a while. Why? Because apparently, I was very good at posting pictures of fun times. Ha,ha! Good one. Don't believe everything you see on your newsfeed. I remember the times I would compare my relationship to those I would see on facebook. Little did I know that I was doing the same thing.
- People don't change. I don't mean this as a way to bad mouth anyone. I'm just being honest. I came into the marriage knowing that there were things about me that I needed to change in order for my new husband to put up with me. I swore up and down that it would be okay. Clearly it wasn't. I didn't change. He didn't change. People don't change, just adapt or accept each other. We didn't.
- It takes bigger balls to decide to separate than to get married. When you make the decision to get married, it's all pretty and sweet and lovely. The future seems bright and hopeful. When you know it's time to separate, you know the future is about to be hell. You know hard times are coming and who knows if you have much hope of finding another person that will love you and put up with your crap. It takes some bigger balls to call it off. So, when you meet someone who got divorced, show some respect. My hats off to those who chose to go through hell to find happiness at the end.
- Divorce is not a failure. I could talk forever about how much it annoyed me when people would say "I'm sorry" with a pity face once I told them I was divorced. I'm sorry for what? For standing up for my happiness? For giving my ex the freedom to go find true love? For having the courage to go be alone? No! Never say "I'm sorry" to a divorced person. Just be there for them. No pity party. And in my case, feel free to say "Congratulations". My divorce party invite should have been a good enough hint to let you know I was okay with a celebratory drink.
- One should hold on tight to things. I wish I hadn't thrown away that beautiful lamp my dad gave me when single. The day my ex moved out, I realized that all the lamps we had were his. Damn! I was living in the dark for a day. This is just symbolic of keeping close to your heart the things and people that you like and you love to make sure there is light in your life if things go dark. Hold on tight to the things that matter to you and make you who you are. That is your light. While married, someone asked me what were some of my favorite things to do. Everything I named was things that my ex enjoyed and I just tagged along. I had lost the essence of me. What did I like to do? What is someting that I can do by myself and enjoy? Exploring and recognizing was exciting afterward.
- The dating world has most likely changed since the last time you were single. Did you have a flip-phone the last time you were dating? Forget it, you are way out of the game. Now, there are countless apps, and websites to make sure you meet a few singles around you. It will take some time to get used to blind dates. Expectations and rules of dating are completely different. Take it easy. Warning, it's confusing, but it can be fun... or exhausting. But please, date around!
- Do not be afraid. Love again. Love for the first time. Love. No one wants to get on a horse for a nice ride and end up on the floor face down with broken bones and hurting. Most likely, you would never get on a horse again. Screw it. Well, good news. Not all horses are the same. Give yourself the opportunity to get on another horse because who knows, that might be the best ride of your life... and this time, you will know a thing or two more about horses. (Terrible analogy maybe, but I know you got the point!).
Stay strong,
Daniela
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