Since I started this blog, I was struggling a little to find out what exactly did I wanted to say. What inspiration could I be and where could I find inspiration. Well, the answer knocked at my door a few months ago, and I just realized it.
Two months ago I ended up at the ER with chest pains. After my second visit to the ER, and two visits to other doctors, I still didn't know what was wrong. Tests showed that it wasn't my heart, but couldn't figure out what it was then. One of the doctors suggested that I possibly pulled a muscle, but I could have sworn it felt like a heart attack. Either way, I found the best sports medicine doctor that my insurance would pay for, and ended up at the office of Dr. Smith, one of the doctors for the Kansas City Chiefs. I felt confident that this NFL doctor would know what to do.
I walked into his office hopeful that this would be a pulled muscle that would get cured with ice and medicine, and I would be back to normal in a month at the most. Two hours later, I walk out knowing that indeed it was a few pulled pectoral muscles that were hurting like a heart attack. Good! I had an answer. I wasn't dying. Some physical therapy, and I would be back to normal me.
A week after I started my physical therapy, I went biking to get some exercise in, and started to get shortness of breath, started to feel my heart jumping out of my chest, and started feeling as if I was about to get a heart attack. I tried to calm myself down, but nothing was working. I couldn't take deep breaths because I could barely breath. I couldn't stand still because I felt the urge to call 911 or rush to a doctor. Part of me knew that I was okay, and didn't want to make a third trip to the ER in less than 2 months, but the other part wanted a doctor right that second!
After debating in my head, and freaking out, feeling as if I was about to die, I rushed myself to the doctor. An hour later, they confirmed that I had panic attacks, and was sent to see a psychologist. This wasn't my first panic attack, but definitely the strongest. The pain in my chest, and my initial worries about a heart attack caused me to be scared to die all the time.
I have a panic disorder. I suffer from shortness of breath, chest pains, nausea, sweating and severe anxiety several times a week, sometimes more than once a day. I think that I will die when I don't have control of the situation. While I am suffering a panic attack, it is hard to believe that it will end well, that I will make it out alive, and that I can fight it. The doctors have told me that only I have the power to control it and put an end to it. It will be a long and difficult process, and when I am experiencing it, I feel that I cannot make it through and that I have lost hope on what life is supposed to be about.
I will make it through, and I will do it for my supportive and loving husband, and for my family. I have always being considered a strong person, but this has come to show me that I am nothing but weak. I want to be myself again!!
For those suffering panic disorders and panic attacks, I will be posting my journey. I have faith and know that God is hugging me through every panic attack, and I will make it through.
