Happy 5-months Anniversary to me!
To celebrate one more month of survival in the greatest city of all, New York City, here are 20 phrases I have taken off my vocabulary, and I have pretty good reasons for it.
Enjoy!
- “Can we just turn the heat on?” - No, you cannot. The city decides when it’s time for the steamers to be turned on. And once they go on, you better get ready for strange noises and really hot apartments.
- “Let’s go to Queens!” - Why? Why would I do that to myself? Unless James Franco is taking me back to his apartment in Queens, I have no reason to get on the 7 train going west.
- “Excuse me sir, you almost ran me over. Be more careful!” – Yeah, it is more like “!@#$% ^&*!# %&$*”
- “You seem like you are in a hurry, please, take this cab.” – On the contrary, I stole a couple of cabs. To be fair, both times it was pouring and I was in a mega hurry. In one occasion, my friend’s mouth dropped when I ran in front of the cars to stop traffic with my hand and cross the street to steal the cab. The second time, the two girls from out of town that were with me were scared out of their mind when I just yelled, “Get in the cab. We are taking it!”
- “Does this coat make me look fat?” – Who gives a crap? I’m cold. Layer it on!
- “Look at that poor guy, he must be homeless” – No. That is a famous actor and owns the big penthouse down in Chelsea.
- “You want to ask me a few questions? Sure!” –More likely, I had my headphones on, and I ignored you.
- “Let me go to Chinatown to get a pedicure.” – Learned the hard way. I feared I would never be able to grow nails again.
- “Just throw it in the trashcan.” – The whole process of taking the trash out is such a big production. Be so mindful of dividing items correctly, or you’ll end up with a ticket.
- “I’m craving Italian food. Let’s go to Little Italy.” – $60 for a plate of Mac-n-Cheese surrounded by tourists. No, thanks.
- “Excuse me sir, can I have some personal space in this 6 train at 8:30am?” – It’s more like, “Well, I see your face pores are getting better.”
- “It’s raining, so we’ll just quickly grab a cab and go.” – Good luck
- “An empty bench on the subway at rush hour? Well, I’m lucky!” – Sat down, and later realized that there was a stream of pee under my feet, coming from the lady across from me. Yeah, lucky me!
- “It’s the weekend, so let’s go to Times Square.” – Might as well just go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
- “Look at that finance guy. Such a gentleman.” – Never. Do not trust Walls Street for man hunting.
- "Let’s do SantaCon!” – Yeah, and act like an obnoxious college kid on Santa costumes throwing up at 10am. That is a reason they are banned from many bars and restaurants.
- “I love doing my grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s.” – It’s like going to war. Do not do it unless you have been trained by an expert. You must know the store map by heart and have a plan.
- “I can’t cross the street. The light is on green.” – Who cares? Go!
- “Why are groceries so cheap?” – Yeah right. I just ate a $4-avocado.
- “Merry Christmas!" - Half the town is Jewish. They don't care about your Christian holiday.
