Things I learned with my divorce

(This blog post was written in 2015)

I don't like to talk about my personal life. It's just weird and uncomfortable but figured that eventually, whether I talk about the details of my life or not, people were going to know that I was divorced. I mean, it's on my paperwork. Damn! Divorced. Such a strong word. It just seemed so negative and ugly the first time I had to say it aloud to describe my status, that I quickly knew that I had to do something to change that around. There had to be something positive about the situation, so here I am. What did I get out of all this?

1. It's not about finding someone that completes you, but someone that compliments you. Big difference. Blows my mind when someone tells me that they are looking for that special someone to complete them. After my divorce, I was left alone with me, myself, and I. To be in a relationship, you need to be complete and ready to share yourself with someone. Meet someone to compliment you and make you a better person, not to complete you. Your happiness should depend on you before you can attempt to make someone else happy.
2. No relationship is as perfect as Facebook and Instagram portray it. When I had to tell family and friends about our divorce, people were seriously shocked for days. They didn't believe me for a while. Why? Because apparently, I was very good at posting pictures of fun times. Ha,ha! Good one. Don't believe everything you see on your newsfeed. I remember the times I would compare my relationship to those I would see on facebook. Little did I know that I was doing the same thing.
3. People don't change. I don't mean this as a way to bad mouth anyone. I'm just being honest. I came into the marriage knowing that there were things about me that I needed to change in order for my new husband to put up with me. I swore up and down that it would be okay. Clearly it wasn't. I didn't change. He didn't change. People don't change, just adapt or accept each other. We didn't.
4. It takes bigger balls to decide to separate than to get married. When you make the decision to get married, it's all pretty and sweet and lovely. The future seems bright and hopeful. When you know it's time to separate, you know the future is about to be hell. You know hard times are coming and who knows if you have much hope of finding another person that will love you and put up with your crap. It takes some bigger balls to call it off. So, when you meet someone who got divorced, show some respect. My hats off to those who chose to go through hell to find happiness at the end.
5. Divorce is not a failure. I could talk forever about how much it annoyed me when people would say "I'm sorry" with a pity face once I told them I was divorced. I'm sorry for what? For standing up for my happiness? For giving my ex the freedom to go find true love? For having the courage to go be alone? No! Never say "I'm sorry" to a divorced person. Just be there for them. No pity party. And in my case, feel free to say "Congratulations". My divorce party invite should have been a good enough hint to let you know I was okay with a celebratory drink.
6. One should hold on tight to things. I wish I hadn't thrown away that beautiful lamp my dad gave me when single. The day my ex moved out, I realized that all the lamps we had were his. Damn! I was living in the dark for a day.  This is just symbolic of keeping close to your heart the things and people that you like and you love to make sure there is light in your life if things go dark. Hold on tight to the things that matter to you and make you who you are. That is your light. While married, someone asked me what were some of my favorite things to do. Everything I named was things that my ex enjoyed and I just tagged along. I had lost the essence of me. What did I like to do? What is someting that I can do by myself and enjoy? Exploring and recognizing was exciting afterward.
7. The dating world has most likely changed since the last time you were single. Did you have a flip-phone the last time you were dating? Forget it, you are way out of the game. Now, there are countless apps, and websites to make sure you meet a few singles around you. It will take some time to get used to blind dates. Expectations and rules of dating are completely different. Take it easy. Warning, it's confusing, but it can be fun... or exhausting. But please, date around!
8. Do not be afraid. Love again. Love for the first time. Love. No one wants to get on a horse for a  nice ride and end up on the floor face down with broken bones and hurting. Most likely, you would never get on a horse again. Screw it. Well, good news. Not all horses are the same. Give yourself the opportunity to get on another horse because who knows, that might be the best ride of your life... and this time, you will know a thing or two more about horses. (Terrible analogy maybe, but I know you got the point!).

Without love, there would be less music, books, art, plays, shows, apps, business.. so many things! So, please contribute to the world and seek love. Do not be afraid to start over. Trust me, if you are in the wrong relationship, one day you will check off that "Divorced" box on the Census sheet with a strong feeling of relief and happiness because you are free and courageous to go find what your heart really wants.


Stay strong,


Daniela

The Surprise

My little angel.

Travis and I decided to say “forever” and start a family. Never in my life had I loved someone so much as I love him, and I just couldn’t go on in life without him. 

One night after he had gone out with his coworkers, he came home to find me home sleeping already. Slowly came to the bed, and hugged me from behind with so much love. As I felt his heart beat, I felt his hand touch my stomach. It was in that instant that I knew I was pregnant. Less than 4 weeks out, and I already knew that the biggest expression of our unconditional love was there with us. 

The next day, I rushed home after work to get ready for a movie date with Travis. Before he picked me up, I took a pregnancy test. Slowly, my heart beat began to jump off my chest. Two lines. Two bright pink lines. I am pregnant!! 

A thousand questions invadaded my mind. I knew that my life had just changed forever in the most beautiful way. 

It is amazing how things fall into place to move mountains.

A few months ago, I headed out to Mexico to help the victims of the big earthquake in rural areas in Morelos. The experience was beyond what I anticipated. The need was bigger and my resources seemed minimal compared to what needed to get done.

As I returned to the US, I thanked everyone who helped with a small or big donation. It didn't matter the amount, it all made a difference. Unfortunately, I felt like there was more to do.

A couple of weeks later, I went back to Mexico, and couldn't help, but to drive back to the house of the single mother who I had given cash to in order to find a place to rent and live temporarily. My goal was to fund the re-build of the house, but I didn't know where to start. When I returned, she was anxiously waiting on me eager to show me something on the back of the old house that was now crumbling down. To my surprise... there it was. The vivid symbol of hope, and drive to move forward.  The single mother had started building her new "house" with the money that I had given her for rent.

"As soon as you gave me the money, I went to buy as much material as possible, and reached out to my friends to help me build it." She wasted no time. Only two weeks had gone by, and we could already see walls coming up. The new problem, more funding was needed.

Happy to see the money put to good work, I gave her another small donation. When I say small, I mean small for us living in the US, but for her, it was gold. With that money, she was able to put up at least the walls in one of the rooms.


As I returned to San Diego, I received a letter from a very special person to me from my college years. Inside the card, a check for $1,000, and an encouragement note that led me to believe that maybe I was capable of helping this single mother complete her home.


Keeping a regular communication with the single mother, she would update me on the construction of the house, and I would send her the money donated, little by little. The reason I decided to do this was for her own safety. I did not want her to be at danger with so much cash on her. People knew that she was receiving help to build her house, and I would have hated for her to be take advantage of. Once she needed more, I would send it.

Our communication became less frequent after a few weeks, so I decided to check up on her and the construction. Excited and worried, she told me that the house had been completed... but the problem was that she needed just a few minimal details to finalize it and make it better for them.

As we close the year 2017, I look back and I am amazed by the power that we all have when we unite. It took the initiative to go down to Mexico to help the victims of the earthquake, it took the bravery of those risking anything and everything to get the help to the right hands, and it took the support of those believing in the cause and in our work.

Thank you for everything. We are only about $380 (US Dol) short of completing the house. As you sit at the Christmas dinner table this year, rest be assured, that a single mother, who lost it all in a few seconds, was being able to put to bed her kids under a healthy roof. No words will ever describe how thankful they are and I will forever be!!!

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!


GRACIAS, GRACIAS, GRACIAS


Daniela